How a Teapot Ruined My Day

By Hillbane Venator

My impromptu quest began on a lovely morning as I headed toward Tir Na Nog to work a bit on my fletching apprenticeship.  I was walking through Ardee when I heard someone cry out "Hillbane?  Hillbane Venator?"  I looked around a saw a giant Firbolg (well, aren't they all?) rushing toward me with a look of what I could only call admiration on his face.  He extended his massive hand and exclaimed, "You are indeed Hillbane Venator, the mighty Ranger?"  I shook his hand and nodded an affirmative.  "Oh excellent!  How I've longed to meet you.  I am Garnock.  My mother and I have heard of your great deeds and are big fans!"  Fans?  Great deeds?  Maybe this guy hated water beetles.  I'd rid Hibernia of plenty.
"I, uh, well thanks I guess.  I can't say I'm great enough to warrant fans though," I said.
"Oh, nonsense.  Always such modesty from the gallant."
"Well, I wouldn't call being mortally wounded by a badger three times in one day heroic," I replied.  He brushed my comment aside and suddenly became very grave.
"Listen Hillbane, I have a favor to ask of you," he said as though our ten seconds of conversation had made us good friends. "You see my mother has this teapot that she loves dearly.  Well, I should say she HAD this teapot.  It was stolen by a luricaduane a couple of days ago.  This teapot means so much to mother and to see her so sad breaks my heart."  You've got to be kidding me I thought.  My first fan and he wants me to rescue a teapot from a midget with a stupid hat. "So," he continued, "I was wondering if you could perhaps, uh, retrieve it for my mother?"  The rather pathetic look on his face hit some soft spot deep within my battle-hardened soul.
"Ok, sure," I sighed.  "Where does your mother live?"
"She lives in Howth."  I regretted my decision instantly.  Howth was at least half a day's journey south!  "Her name is Gormghlaith and she will be just outside the gates of the town.  Oh, thank you so much almighty Hillbane!"
"Sure, sure."  I'd thought perhaps his overzealous accolades were just a ruse to get me to help him, but even as I left he waved at me with a look of awe.

************

I quickly made my way to Mag Mell and even though my purse was light I decided to rent a horse for the trip to Howth.  I wasn't about to waste an entire day saving a teapot.  When I arrived I immediately I saw an old Firbolg standing by a tree just outside the town walls.  She looked toward me and began to smile, beckoning me over. How these people know who I am by sight is beyond me.  Anyway, I walked over and said "Gormaghlaith?"
"Oh sweet child!  I knew Garnock would find you!  Thank you so much for coming all this way to help an old woman!"  She gave me a motherly embrace.
"Yes, ah, no problem.  So, this luricaduane is nearby?"
"Oh oh, always ready to go you heroes are.  Nasty, thieving leprechauns.  Always making life difficult for us hard working folk.  Yes, I believe they live in the valley just over the hill there behind the town."
"They?"  I didn't like the sound of that.
"Yes, a whole group of them always hang out there, smoking and laughing and dancing in those ridiculous green suits."  Great.
"Ok, well, I better be off then."
"Oh, do be careful!"  She gave me yet another hug and I quickly ran off.

It didn't take long to find the group of luricaduanes.  Their high-pitched laughter filled the valley.  Sneaking among some bushes I moved cautiously toward the camp.  Keeping my distance I watched the little guys puffing on pipes, taking swigs off tiny jugs, roughhousing, and just generally being rowdy.  Thankfully a light blanket of smoke hung over the camp so I easily kept hidden while contemplating how I would find this teapot.  I didn't have much time to think, however, before a single luricaduane came wandering near me.  Staying concealed I watched as he unbuttoned his pants to relieve himself and nearly split a gut when I saw what he was doing his business into.  Seems one creature's teapot is another's latrine.  Not surprising, a Firbolg's teapot would be much too big for a luricaduane to use as the maker intended.  Unfortunately I must have let a snicker slip, because the luricaduane turned his head my way, buttoned up, and started walking toward my hiding spot.  Unbelievable.  I was suddenly at risk of upsetting the entire group of munchkins for a lousy teapot.  I unsheathed my sword as quietly as possible, hoping I could dispatch this guy without alerting the entire camp.  Gripping the hilt of my sword tight I got ready to thrust, but he saw me a second before I reacted.  With an annoying cry he produced a dagger and lunged at me.  The little bugger was only about eye-level with my knee, but damn fast.  My sword whooshed through air as he darted between my legs and began stabbing at the back of my legs.  I stifled a shout of anger.  Spinning low I slashed with my sword, but the luricaduane kept buzzing around me like a fly, the stinging stabs of his dagger pricking me like thorns.  With fury I lashed out with my sword, spinning completely around.  At some point during my 360 there was resistance and when I came a stop I saw the luricaduane's headless body slump to the ground, blood pouring from his neck like, well, like tea from the spout of a teapot.  Thankfully it seemed the racket of the scuffle had been drowned out by the noise of the boisterous camp, although a few of the partiers were looking suspiciously in my direction.  I figured I'd better make haste before they realized what had happened so I wiped off my sword, snagged the teapot and quickly exited the valley.

************

"Thank you! Thank you!  You are as great a warrior as I've heard," the old Firbolg exclaimed as I handed her the teapot, which, I might as well add, was very nice.
"No problem.  You'll probably want to sterilize that thing before you use it again, " I warned.
"Of course.  Who knows what kind of nasty stuff those critters drink."  I stifled a laugh.
"Ok, well, I should be going," but before I could take even a single step the woman grabbed my arm.
"You have been so kind Hillbane.  I wonder if I could trouble you with one more task?"  She gave me a sweet old lady smile.  Ugh.  I couldn't say no to that.
"Um, ok, sure.  What is it?"
"Well, I've run out of ingredients for my favorite drink, blackwood tea.  Could you possibly get what I need?  It's only a couple of things." 
"What do you need?"  I couldn't believe I'd just committed myself to do an old woman's shopping.
"First and most important: leaves from a Blackthorn tree.  Secondly, the whiskers of a lough wolf."  She was kidding, right?  Hardly.
"You do realize I'd have to kill those creatures first?"
"Of course.  You are a mighty and noble warrior, this should be no problem for you, would it?"
"Um, well, I suppose not."
"I would reward you handsomely, of course."  Ah, now I became courageous.
"Of course I will retrieve these items for you!  Have no fear, Hillbane will complete the quest placed before him and help a woman in need."  She ate up my false display of grandeur.
"Oh thank you!" and before she could give me another hug (the embrace of a Firbolg is rough) I set out.

************

Fortunately I knew exactly where to find both the blackthorns and the lough wolves.  Unfortunately they were quite a ways north of here, between Mag Mell and Mardagh.  My day was shot to hell anyway, and it was gorgeous out, so I decided to walk.  I figured the wolf wouldn't be much problem but those blackthorns, slow but violent living trees, like to hang out in groups with those vile little lunatishee, creatures that kind of reminded me of demonic leprechauns.  Plus I'd had a run in with them before and they were likely to be quite hostile.

My travel north was uneventful.  I reached the group of blackthorns by the river and as expected those ugly lunatishee surrounded them. I figured I'd better wait for a blackthorn to wander away from the group else I'd have a train of monsters chasing me all the way to Mardagh.  As luck would have it a single critter began to stray away from the pack, so I grabbed an arrow and raised my bow.  Suddenly the blackthorn howled, bathed in a dark light.  Glancing to my right I saw a Celt throwing spells at my kill!  By the time I returned my glaze to my pray it had collapsed to the ground.  I turned to yell at the interloper but he'd already left, trotting merrily down the road.  Grumbling a curse under my breath I sat down. 
A while later another blackthorn began to roam out of the main group, a single lunatishee creeping along side it.  I figured my chances were good, plus my patience was wearing thin and that nice old lady was waiting to make her tea.  I decided to take out the blackthorn first since the little guy, although nasty, looked like a wuss.  I carefully aimed an arrow at the living tree and fired.  As my shot pierced the tree, the lunatishee screamed and rushed toward me.  Another arrow cocked and released, another howl of pain from the blackthorn.  Looked like one more hit would finish it.  I kept my concentration in check as I aimed another arrow, the lunatishee closing in quickly.  Luckily in its haste to attack me the nasty little bugger tripped and fell, allowing me to let loose my third arrow.  It thudded into the blackthorn and it crumpled to the ground.  By this time the lunatishee had recovered and slashed at me before I could ready my shield.  It's claws ripped through the armor in my leg leaving behind three crimson gashes.  In a rage I swung my sword, it's blade slicing across my enemies chest.  The creature screeched in pain but continued its fierce assault, ignoring the entrails that began to seep out of its wound.  I dodged its attacks and once I had an opening smashed the hilt of my sword upon its head. With a sickening thud the lunatishee crumbled to the ground.  I examined the lesions in my leg. Luckily they were minor.  I collected an ample supply of blackthorn leaves and headed toward Mardagh to hunt down the wolf.

************

By the time I reached town the pain in my leg had subsided.  I knew wolves often roamed in a small field behind the settlement, so I made my way through a few trees and into the field.  Indeed, across the grass, I spied a lough wolf wandering between two trees.  It hadn't seen me, so I slid an arrow out of my quiver and readied my bow.  I pulled my arm back and held as steady as possible, my muscles tight as I aimed to make the most of my first shot.  I finally released my fingers and the arrow flew, missing the soft spot in its neck I was hoping to hit by a mere inch.  The wolf yelped but before it even began running toward me I had another arrow cocked and ready.  With fury the beast ran to attack as I released my second arrow.  It sliced through the air, boring into the wolf's flesh with a thud.  I attempted to quickly load another arrow but the creature was almost upon me so I drew my sword and readied my shield.  With a low growl the wolf lunged, it's snout smacking into my shield with a crack.  I thrust my sword at its body but at the same time it clamped it's jaws on my arm and the attack missed.  With a grimace of pain I slammed my shield onto the wolf's head.  It's grip loosened and I pulled my sword arm back, the creature's teeth slicing through my flesh, then thrust forward again.  This time the attack hit home.  My sword slid into the wolf's hide and it slumped to the ground. Cursing, I gripped some whiskers and yanked.  This better be some good freaking tea I thought as I bandaged my arm.

************

The walk back to Howth was slow, my arm and leg now incredibly sore.  The sun had just about set when I finally returned.  As soon as Gormghlaith saw me she smiled and clapped her hands.
"Ooh, did you succeed?"  I handed her the leaves.  "Ah, I was hoping you would bring me many blackthorn leaves and you have!"
"Uh, yeah," I replied.
"And the whiskers?"  I pulled them out of my bag and she quickly snatched them up.  "Excellent!  What a fine tea this will be.  I thank you heroic hero Hillbane!"  She reached deep into her pocket, fumbled around, then pulled out her hand and extended it toward me.  Laying in her palm were two silver and ten copper pieces.
"Er, this is my reward?"  She simply wore her sweet little smile and nodded.  "You do realize I nearly died and have made a number of hit lists today."  She nodded.  And smiled.  "Can I at least try some of the tea?"  Her smile faltered slightly.
"No."
With that I turned north toward Ardagh.  Perhaps I'd fair better rescuing toys from smelly badgers.  I hate badgers.